When I'm at college, there's always something to do. When I first started, I spent a lot of time worrying about how I was going to get it all done, get good grades, and be a perfect student. After a month or so of that nonsense, I realized that the quest for academic "perfection" could easily destroy me. When I make a mistake, I think of myself as a failure, instead of just taking it in stride and resolving to do better next time.
Worry is always a problem. Jesus is pretty straight forward about it. In Matthew 6:27 he says, "And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?" He makes it pretty plane. Anxiety is an emotion that takes so much of our energy, yet accomplishes nothing.
Looking back, from the relationship issues that I've been through, the financial stresses that I've run into, the concerns for my future, and the self-conciousness that I have about the thoughts of others, none of the stressing or worrying that I put myself through helped. If anything, matters were made worse.
I'm just so glad that I can look back on those things now. I look forward to what's coming knowing that there will be good in it no matter what. There will be joy in spite of sadness, there will be love in spite of pain, and there will be trust in spite of betrayal. Not matter how bad things get, we can always find the good. How would we know the good if the bad didn't exist?
When I saw the pre-premier advertising I scorned it. When I watched an
episode, I laughed in it's silly little island of a face. When I went
to Sweden, I stood by mocking those hopeless people waiting week by
week for the next installment of what seemed to me to be fictional
re-hash of the Survivor concept.
Then, one fateful day, my good friend Perry gave me a DVD of the first twelve episodes. What once seemed like a horrible excuse for a story and marketing hype now was intriguing and deep. Before I know it, I'm begging Perry to give me more. I'm like a crack addict. Just looking for my next Lost fix.
I think what appeals to me most is the characters. Everyone is so complicated. There are such specific reasons that they were all in Australia, and the things that they dealt with in the past are huge issues. Kate is a beautiful, smart and seemingly kind girl, yet we find out that she was on the plane with a U.S. Marshall who was escorting her back to the States for her trial. Sawyer, who seems to be an arrogant jerk, has acutally been through some horrible childhood situations that have taught him to try to be hated by everyone.
The thing is, I can't really explain what about it appeals to me so much. So Instead, I'll just tell you to run to your nearest video store and rent them. I don't think you'll be sorry.
Is the ability to be horrified a gift? Dr. Paul Patton thinks so. He recently gave a message that really caused me to stop and think. It’s been six days and I’m still thinking. Dr. Patton shared about horror stories from the Bible. He talked about the passage that begins with a Levite spending the night in a Benjamite with his concubine and servant. Here is the story:
22As they were making their hearts merry, behold, the men of the city, worthless fellows, surrounded the house, beating on the door. And they said to the old man, the master of the house, "Bring out the man who came into your house, that we may know him." 23And the man, the master of the house, went out to them and said to them, "No, my brothers, do not act so wickedly; since this man has come into my house, do not do this vile thing. 24Behold, here are my virgin daughter and his concubine. Let me bring them out now. Violate them and do with them what seems good to you, but against this man do not do this outrageous thing." 25But the men would not listen to him. So the man seized his concubine and made her go out to them. And they knew her and abused her all night until the morning. And as the dawn began to break, they let her go. 26And as morning appeared, the woman came and fell down at the door of the man's house where her master was, until it was light.27And her master rose up in the morning, and when he opened the doors of the house and went out to go on his way, behold, there was his concubine lying at the door of the house, with her hands on the threshold. 28He said to her, "Get up, let us be going." But there was no answer. Then he put her on the donkey, and the man rose up and went away to his home. 29And when he entered his house, he took a knife, and taking hold of his concubine he divided her, limb by limb, into twelve pieces, and sent her throughout all the territory of Israel. 30And all who saw it said, "Such a thing has never happened or been seen from the day that the people of Israel came up out of the land of Egypt until this day; consider it, take counsel, and speak."
-Judges 19:22-30
This isn’t a Bible story that I learned in Sunday school. The first
time I read it, I was confused. I didn’t really think that the Bible
contained records of evil so horrible and perverse. The story goes on
to show that the rest of Israel united against the tribe of Benjamin
with God’s blessing and destroyed almost all of them.
So what’s the point? To quote Dr. Patton, “Horror stories at their root serve as examples of the monsters that we can become… We must steward our ability to be horrified like any other gift from God.”
The People of Benjamin were obviously not horrified. Their sin had gotten so far out of hand that became monsters, literally gang raping this woman to death. Our ability to be horrified becomes of paramount importance. We are one step away from becoming murderers, rapists and sadists.
Sufjan Stevens wrote a song called John Wayne Gacy Jr. about the man by the same name who raped, tortured and murdered thirty three young men and buried them under his Chicago home. His neighbors could never believe that he was capable of this, because on the outside, he was normal and even likable. The last line in the song is particularly haunting: “And in my best behavior, I’m really just like him. Look beneath the floorboards for the secrets I have hid.”
There’s an evil side in all of us. It’s an incredible work of grace
that we are able to identify it. We all have our secrets, Our “dead
bodies” under the floorboards. Thanks be to God that we are horrified
by them.
In the tower above the earth,
There is a view that reaches far
Where we see the universe,
I see the fire, I see the end.
Seven miles above the earth,
There is Emmanuel of mothers.
With his sword, with his robe,
He comes dividing man from brothers.
In the tower above the earth, we built it for Emmanuel.
In the powers of the earth, we wait until it rips and rips.
In the tower above the earth, we built it for Emmanuel.
Oh my mother, she betrayed us, but my father loved and bathed us.
Still I go to the deepest grave,
Where I go to sleep alone
- Sufjan Stevens: The Seer's Tower
Come on feel the Illinoise is my first Sufjan experience and the first thing that hit me about him was the sound. The variety of sounds and instrumentation is astounding, but everything I controlled so well. He is a lover of intimacy, and the dynamics and sensitivity clearly show this.
There are hints of many types of woodwinds, brass, percussion, bells, and other instruments, but the sound centers around Sufjan’s voice. By the time Sufjan was in college he was proficient with a great variety of instruments, but he waited some time before exploring his vocal talent. While his voice isn’t especially powerful, his control is amazing. It gives the feeling of fragility, but it’s strong at the same time.
If Sufjan is a good musician, he’s an incredible lyricist. The imagery that he uses clear in and of itself. Casimir Pulaski Day is a song about falling in love with the girl who has cancer. It so clearly expresses the emotions that would be present, but it could also be reduced to a simple love story. I was also aware of an incredible honesty in his lyrics. He’s not afraid of what assumptions people will make about him.
Again in Casimir Pulaski Day, Sufjan reveals what may be his own beliefs or the beliefs of someone who affected him he says:
Oh the glory that the lord has made
And the complications when I see his face
In the morning in the windowOh the glory when he took our place
But he took my shoulders and he shook my face
And he takes and he takes and he takes
This is something that is rarely written by an observer to Christianity, and rarely with such sincerity. Now it's not certain that he is referring to the Judea-Christian "God" here, but this type of language is rarely used elsewhere. In any case, he has a strong sense of spiritual awareness.
I need a reason not to be in love with this album. If anyone is out there who hates this album, or is even apathetic, I’d love to hear from you. In the meantime I’ll be drifting off into a dream like state as I enjoy this album one more time. I just hope I’m not driving when that happens.
I don't want this to become the place where I go on and on about various personal issues. When you visit a random livejournal, vox, xanga, blogger, or any other such personal blogging site, you are bound to be told by the authors of these blogs how terrible their lives are, and how worthy they are of pity. That's the last thing I want to do to you. There is plenty of needless whining in the world.
That said, I want to use this blog as a way to come at these issues in a sensible manner, and examine them. I want your help in picking them apart, and helping me learn from them. There are a lot of hard things in life, and it's not worth the effort to try to tackle them alone.
Alone. Now that's a word that inspires a flood of emotion. I've used it a lot, and it's rarely been accurate. It's more of a feeling when I say it, and it usually only has to do with one person. Deep friendships are something that I've always loved, when they change i usually have a hard time coping. My mind tries to figure out who's fault it was and what we did wrong, when perhaps I should merely be grateful for and thoughtful about the ways we had both been blessed.
I recently underwent one such operation. A relationship transplant. The heart of our friendship is still beating, but it's fainter now, and it's going to take some time to adjust. I never understand why these things have to take place. When I look back, I'm glad we tried to make something of the impossible. I wouldn't want anything else.
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breathes as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak of the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
- Death Cab for Cutie: What Sarah Said
